50 Lessons from 50 Years

I know absolutely none of you are going to believe it when I tell you I am turning 50 today! What?! I know. This skin! This hair! It must be a gross miscalculation… but I double checked my ID.

I never make a big deal out of my own birthdays but I believe I am required by law to celebrate this one. I want to share with you some of the amazing things I’ve learned over the past 50 years, however, TBH, most of these lessons were learned in the past ten years as I have been doing a LOT of work on myself (and on some of you 😉).

(photo: Annie Ray)

50 Lessons from 50 Years:

50. Trust your instincts. Always. The nagging voice in your head, listen to it. Systems and people (and even you) will gaslight you your whole life. Go within and trust your inner guide.

49. Hug longer and tighter. Research has shown that touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system supporting our mental wellbeing and even our immune system.

48. Lavender oil and peppermint tea. I put lavender oil on my pillow every night, and peppermint tea always brings me a little comfort and joy.

47. Keep an ongoing list of accomplishments. When doubt, fear, or imposter syndrome pops up, remind yourself that you are, in fact, a total badass that has done some amazing things.

46. Get cozy. Buy the soft sweater, the blanket, the flannel sheets, the Ugg boots… create a comforting sanctuary for yourself. And then…

45. Buy yourself the flowers. Or the plant or the expensive piece of art. Surround yourself with beauty and don’t wait for anyone else to do it for you.

44. Anicca. A buddhist doctrine that translates to impermanence. Nothing will last forever. I will repeat this word as a mantra whenever I find myself in a dark place. This too shall pass…

43. Wait 5 Minutes.  I’ve considered getting this as a tattoo. Emotions, feelings, pain, worry… can go from zero to ten and back again so quickly. Remembering this helps interrupt rumination and has been a life-saver for my anxiety.

42. Question all systems and beliefs. Democracy, patriarchy, religion, culture, industries, rules, medicine, marriage… we don’t have to do or believe anything the way it’s been done before. Gender binaries, work schedules, how we live… everything is changing, nothing is standard (if even functional). We can recreate our beliefs and identities and ways of being in the world at any time. It’s wild.

41. Vote, especially in local elections.

40. Volunteer, especially in local elections. (This is a great way to find your people.)

39. Donate and advocate for others.

38. Turn off the news. Save your sanity and otherwise question your sources of information.

37. Keep learning new things.

36. Read lots of books.

35. Send loving kindness to all beings. Especially the ones who are pissing you off.

34. Hype up your friends.

33. Write/record love notes to yourself. 

32. Sing & Dance often. Both reduce cortisol and and boost your immune system.

31. Say No. To anything that doesn’t feel good.

30. Say Yes. To anything that will connect you to new people or experiences.

29. Cry it out/Sigh it out. Most of us have been conditioned to silence our emotions, discouraged from crying, and told that sighing and yawning is rude. But the truth is, holding in our emotions only prolongs suffering. “Longer exhalations stimulate the vagus nerve in ways that reduce fight-or-flight stress responses…” - Psychology Today

28. Wear Sunscreen. I started wearing sunscreen everyday when I was 19, which is why I still look 19. 😆

27. Celebrate often. 

26. People are mirrors. If you don’t believe in yourself, people will mirror that back to you by doubting your greatness or ignoring you. You can fake a lot of things, but the energy never lies. What you don’t like in others is likely something you criticize yourself for. Fortunately, people will mirror back the good stuff, too!

25. Don’t assume to know what someone else might do or think. We spend a lot of time not taking action, not speaking our minds, not showing up as our true selves and not asking for what we want because we assume that the response will not be in our favor. My husband reminds me of this a lot. When I express my fears of his judgement, he says, ”let me decide what I think!” And it’s always better than what I think he is thinking. 😅

24. Be a squeaky wheel. You have to be your own advocate, keep asking for the invoice to be paid, keep offering your offerings, keep asking your doctors for the labs. And again…

23. Ask for what you want. Most people want to say yes to you, to support you, and make you happy but they can’t read your mind. Ask for more money, more time, ask for a discount, ask for something extra. Ask them to go look in the back and find your size. Ask for a hug, ask them to bring home peonies and chocolate.

22. Take risks.

21. Travel often.

20. Take breaks from people who don’t get you. Even family. Especially family.

19. Sleep in separate beds. If your partner is disrupting your sleep gtfo of there! It will save you both.

18. Romance everyone. Friends, lovers, your mom, and especially yourself. Say I love you with wild abandon.

17. Don’t have a 5 year plan. Life is moving too fast these days. When I started my business, I had year-long mentorships, but now I’ve shortened them to 12 weeks, and I only ever plan 6 months in advance for my own goals.

16. Seek to serve others. If you can see your business as service to others, promoting your work will be much easier. And then go above and beyond how you serve them.

15. Set boundaries. Be a boundary boss.

14. You have to be yourself to find your tribe. It’s so exhausting and quite frankly boring trying to fit in your whole life. Just be weird and talk about your moon sign ♏️ and tapping and throw yourself a Wednesday-themed 80’s night dance party for your 50th birthday. It’s fine.

13. Do not judge yourself, your thoughts, your emotions, or others. It’s a waste of time. Acceptance might be the most profound thing you can do to change your life.

12. Get out into nature.

11. See (or make) art regularly.

10. Get out of the house.

9. Use your peripheral vision. Staring at a computer or phone all day (short, narrow focus) is a constant activation of your fight-or-flight stress response. Anxious? Duh. Please, go outside and look at a mountain, or walk your dogmore.

8. Set intentions. This is IMO one of the most powerful things you can do in life. If I believed in manifesting, which I might, this is the key. Say out loud how you want something to play out, and more often than not, it will land in your favor. I do this every day, multiple times a day. 10/10 highly recommend.

7. Love every part of yourself.

6. Breathe. Awareness of your breath and controlling your breath can instantly change your state, your mood, your outlook on life. (Crossing fingers that breathwork will be my next certification!) It might be the most powerful tool I’ve learned so far.

5. Not every thought/feeling/emotion needs its own telenovela. Oh the stories I make up about how everything is going to hell in a handbasket. I can go from hearing water dripping to convinced of my inevitable complete financial ruin in 30 seconds. Calm TF down. See No. 6: Breathe, and then No. 43: Wait 5 minutes. 🤪

4. Perspective is everything. What seems awful to you might be delightful to another. Challenge yourself to see things differently.

3. (Girl)friends are gold. There’s nothing that brings me more joy than sitting down for a juicy conversation with a bestie. Nurture your friendships, but also understand that while some evolve, others may fizzle or even crash out, and that’s ok.

2. You get to choose how you feel. It may take a lifetime to master this one. And if you don’t master it, they might send you back. 😂

1. It’s ok to fail. This is the best advice I’ve ever gotten. This is your permission slip to take risks, to be yourself, to expand your world.  Failure is only information. Failure is how you learn. Failure is how you grow, evolve, and become stronger and wiser.