Hooked On Praise

As a part of the Playing Big coaching training that I am in, I’ve been paired up with women all over the world to practice. Jamaica, Australia, the UK, and this morning I had a coaching exchange session with a brilliant woman in Serbia!

I asked her for coaching on my attachment to praise; my desire for affirmation, recognition, engagement. We all have that, right? This need to be seen, to know we are a part of the ‘pack’. It’s a survival instinct after all, it goes very deep in to all of our DNA.

Growing up, I imagine like some of you, I was praised for ‘looking nice,’ being quiet, and making good grades. Rarely were kids of my gender/generation and specific cultural upbringing (middle class-southern-Episcopalian) commended for being unique, rebellious, outspoken or adventurous. What a drag!

What has carried over into my adult life from this type of praise is an endless second-guessing of my own thoughts, expressions, actions, desires, and fashion choices. I’m constantly molding myself to fit in and then rebelling against it and then falling back into it (because fear, scarcity, and deep, deep subconscious programming). I check my calendar to see who I need to present as on any given day.

What’s more, as true interpersonal connection becomes more and more of a rarity, there’s the added anxiety of creating, grooming, and continually reinventing an online persona for acceptance, approval and engagement. Exhausting!

But let’s get back to this brilliant coaching session. My partner guided me back to my values, asked if my values were shared by the people whose judgement brings me the most discomfort, and what any lack of praise says about them (because their judgements are actually never about me.) And then she reminded me to tap into my inner mentor for advice. The older, wiser, and not giving AF about wearing-gold-sequined-kaftans-on-the-daily version of me.

My inner mentor reminded me that the more I am myself, the more I follow my true desires, the more attractive my energy will be, not just to people who think and believe like me, but to anyone in my vibelength.

People are attracted to calm energy and passion. When you are not being yourself, when you are in people-pleasing mode, you are dialing up your own anxiety and inauthenticity which is like citronella oil repelling a swarm of mosquitos. 🦟

This applies to how you present in personal relationships, in your business, in your portfolio, from your language to your lipstick… If it’s not authentic, people can sense it. If you are not truly passionate about it, people can smell it.

You were not put on this planet to fit into a mold. You are not a trifle. Let’s not waste any more time trying to figure out how to fit in or become things we are not. How boring!

Ready to shed some layers of conditioning? Schedule an Inner Mentor Session.